“Still us: The journey through the Mess to Acceptance”, an Imperfect Love Story
When my partner was first diagnosed with ADHD, I felt confused and wasn’t sure what it would mean for him and for us. It might sound strange, but as someone working in the area, I had never conceptualised his difficulties under the ADHD umbrella. I had always seen him for all his quirks, which I loved, and had always felt we were such a good match. We have the same humour, and I have always felt the ability to be totally myself with him, which was not something I had ever had in other relationships.
To be fair, the diagnosis and subsequent medication merry go round, changed everything.
It suddenly became clear to me, all the struggles he had carried and why nothing else before had really worked. I felt such deep admiration for him, after all these years together, he had managed to live alongside my so-called “OCD ways”, or at least that’s what I thought they were, though we’ll come back to that in a moment. As he began slowly unmasking, it was hard on both of us. My beautiful partner, who had always gone along with what I wanted, started to stand up for himself. Part of me found that really difficult, but I also admired him even more as I came to understand just how hard it had been for him all this time.
We both went on a journey of discovery and understanding, guided in many ways by my work with clients and the wisdom of their lived experiences. And then something unexpected happened, I began to see pieces of myself in what I was learning.
One of the team members at The Kidd Clinic, was watching me one day at work and she said to me “Mel, I think you are an ADHDer”. I started to talk with her about why she thought that, and it was a very interesting discussion. If you know me, you will know that I am the most routine, organised person at work and home and I have been told that my whole, adult life.
However, as I entered perimenopause, all the immense internal effort it took to keep the plates spinning suddenly came crashing down when my oestrogen levels dropped.
I began exploring ADHD in women and quickly realised that much of what I thought I knew didn’t reflect my experience, or that of many others. For women, ADHD often shows up in quieter, more internalised ways: a racing mind rather than obvious hyperactivity (though I can be that too!). The perfectionism, the procrastination, the sensory sensitivities, the emotional dysregulation, the exhaustion from masking…it all finally made sense.
The reason I always thought my characteristics were “OCD” traits rather than “ADHD” traits was twofold. First, I was told this throughout my life by almost everyone who knew me. My family is much the same - organised, neat, and routined (except for Dad, who is a little more outwardly chaotic than the rest of us!). Second, I didn’t realise that many people with ADHD develop routines, perfectionism, or rituals as a way of coping with the constant sense of feeling out of control.
What I didn’t fully recognise at the time was that the paralysis, forgetfulness, or tendency to misplace things, which were more noticeable in my childhood, had led me to develop strategies and “workarounds,” like triple-checking my belongings, arranging things in a very particular way, or mentally reassuring myself repeatedly.
So, I made the decision to get assessed. And guess what? Yep, ADHD. My colleague was right. More than that, I am so grateful to The Kidd Clinic and to Theresa and Karl for creating an environment where I could explore this discovery at my own pace, while also learning how to better support my family in navigating neurodiversity.
Interestingly, I haven’t really experienced the “grief” stage that can sometimes accompany a late diagnosis. I think this is because I understand the context of the generation I grew up in, we really didn’t know any better. Looking through this lens, I now understand my whole family of origin; this way of being was simply “normal” for us. And yes, I really am “just like my dad,” as everyone has always said.
So, what does this mean for my partner and me?
Nothing and everything is the answer that I come up with. I love and trust him deeply…I always have. I just knew we were meant to be together and that has an extra layer of understanding to it now.
Do we argue and get it wrong at times? Absolutely YES! But we forgive each other much more easily and continue to work on our communication and understanding each other's brains and how we work best.
We are truly neurodiversity affirming for ourselves and each other and will continue to be. We can embrace all parts of ourselves and will continue learning and being exactly who we are, without apology.
