Unmasking PDA Series: Part 4: PDA, Partnership and Parenting - Navigating the Demands of Family Life
If you are in an intimate partnership, then being a PDAer can be challenging for both you and your partner. For example, it may feel intolerable to be corrected, given instruction, requested to complete a task, to do something you know your partner wants you to do, and/ or to show affection. None of us like to be told what to do therefore it can be helpful to determine how each prefers to receive instructions or tasks.
Indirect task allocation: may feel more tolerable (e.g., pre-printed notebook with checkboxes next to common household jobs, enlisting formal supports, choosing tasks that are less demanding and potentially more enjoyable).
Prioritise open communication: Share your needs, triggers, and boundaries with your partner as openly as possible and in your preferred method (talk, text, voice message, email).
Time to decompress: Give yourself space to retreat when overwhelmed without feeling guilty. Scheduling pre-determined break times into your week can help.
Find a balance in control: Work together to find ways to maintain a sense of control in the relationship without feeling pressured.
Practice expressing your emotions: Let your partner know when you’re feeling anxious or resistant, so they can better understand your behaviour.
Educate your partner about demands: Provide ways to your partner that feel more tolerable when they are communicating. Work on ways to calm your nervous system (as they won’t always get it right!).
Create a flexible routine: Establish routines that feel supportive but allow for spontaneity and changes when needed.
Find joy /connection: Choose and share ways of connecting that support each of your neurotypes. Acknowledge and appreciate moments of connection or growth in the relationship.
At The Kidd Clinic we recognise that being in an intimate relationship as a PDAer can be challenging and we love to work with couples to support their exploration of neurotypes, understand each other, and find ways of working together to support and strengthen their relationship.
PDA and Parenting
Since PDA adults experience demands—both external and self-imposed—as potential threats to their autonomy, this can make the daily demands of parenting difficult. For example, managing routines, boundaries, and meeting the constant emotional and physical needs of children can feel overwhelming. The pressure to conform to societal expectations of parenting can further heighten stress and avoidance.
Rather than using traditional parenting structures, PDA parents may find that adapting their approach to be more accommodating of their own needs leads to a more sustainable and fulfilling parenting experience. This can include:
Reducing self-imposed pressure: Recognising that “good parenting” does not have to follow rigid societal norms and allowing for a more fluid, adaptable approach.
Finding autonomy within parenting: Identifying areas where you can exercise choice and control, such as setting your own rhythms for household tasks or engaging with your child in ways that feel natural and enjoyable.
Using collaborative problem-solving: Working with your child, rather than exerting authority over them, to create a family dynamic that respects everyone’s autonomy.
Building in decompression time: Acknowledging the need for breaks and self-care to avoid burnout and overwhelm.
Support: Many parents we work with at the clinic say that having support and gentle guidance in their parenting role makes a real difference. For some PDA parents, formal supports in the home—like domestic help, admin assistance, or gardening services—can feel intrusive at first, but often become a welcome relief once trust is built and routines are in place.
Messy is okay!: Relationships, parenting, routines, and emotions don’t have to be neat or perfectly managed. A Neurodivergent life often doesn’t follow a straight line—and that’s not a failure, it’s just part of how you move through the world.
Comparison is the thief of joy: When my children were younger this quote was my mantra and helped me to focus on my own family rather than spend time focusing on how I or my family ‘should’ be. In fact, I eliminated the word ‘should’ from my vocabulary!
The Importance of Regulation and Connection
For PDA parents, self-regulation is just as critical as co-regulation with your child. Strategies for maintaining emotional balance include:
Recognising your own early warning signs of dysregulation: and understanding what helps you to feel calmer/ more regulated before engaging with your child.
Minimising unnecessary demands: Simplifying routines and reducing commitments that feel draining or unnecessary.
Prioritising connection over compliance: Creating a family environment where mutual understanding and respect take precedence over rigid expectations.
Embracing spontaneity: Allowing for flexibility in plans and decision-making to reduce the pressure of structured demands.
Focus on the shine: When my children were growing up, I made a point of connecting with them through the areas where they naturally shined. Whether it was a special interest, a talent, or just something that lit them up—that’s where the real magic happened. Focusing on those sparks deepened our connection and helped our bond grow stronger.
You can find information below about our upcoming group for women with a PDA profile
