Prioritising Choice, Calm, and Connection

For many families who celebrate, Christmas is a time of excitement, joy, tradition, and togetherness - but for someone with a Pathological Demand Avoidant (PDA) profile, it can also bring feelings of stress, pressure, overwhelm, and anxiety. The season often comes with high expectations, unpredictable schedules, and plenty of social demands.

Supporting a PDAer at Christmas isn’t about enforcing “normal” traditions or expecting participation in every activity. Instead, it’s about reducing stress, offering choices, and creating space for autonomy and calm. Simple adjustments, thoughtful planning, gentle communication, and flexibility can make the difference between a day of tension and a day of connection and enjoyment.

In this post, we’ll explore practical strategies to help a PDAer navigate the festive season while maintaining their comfort, dignity, and a sense of control.

Plan for Flexibility and Control

Let them lead activities: Allow them to plan parts of the day or choose what foods to eat, which games to play, or where to sit.
Low-pressure invitations: Phrase things like “You’re welcome to join us if you want” rather than “You need to join us.”
Prepare your back-up plans: Plan for multiple possibilities. For example, we used to take 2 cars if visiting relatives so that if our PDAer needed to leave earlier, one of us could drive them home while the other stayed with our other children.

Minimise Overwhelm

Break the day into small chunks: Too many things at once can trigger anxiety. For example, focus on one activity at a time instead of a full day “Christmas program.” Allow decompression time in between where special interest toys or electronic device time will increase feelings of regulation.
Quiet spaces: Ensure there’s a calm area to retreat to if they feel overloaded.
Limit unexpected visitors: Give advance notice and visual reminders of who will be there.

Rethink Traditions

Flexible traditions: Traditions can feel coercive. Let them adapt rituals, for example, wrapping presents in their own style or choosing a different time for gift-giving.
Alternative activities: Baking, crafting, or watching a Christmas movie at their pace can decrease feeling rushed or pressured.

Communication Strategies

Use humour or playfulness: PDAers often respond better to light, indirect suggestions than direct instructions.
Prepare for change: Narrate what the day will look like with siblings so they can feel familiar with the schedule, have a visual schedule for yourself on the fridge that you refer to in the lead up to Christmas, or gentle discussions about what to expect, without making it feel like a rigid plan.

Managing Demands

Indirect language: “I wonder if anyone would like to…” rather than “You must…”
Offer opt-out opportunities: “It’s fine if you don’t want to sing carols, we can just listen to music instead.”
Include them in planning: Giving them input on meals, timing, or activities reduces perceived demands.

Sensory Considerations

Food: Have alternatives if traditional foods are not within their ‘safe foods.’
Lights, noise, and smells: Overstimulation is common; offer headphones, dim lights, or separate seating if needed.
Clothing: Let them choose what to wear, even if it’s non-traditional or doesn’t suit the activity.

Gift-Giving and Receiving

Choice-based shopping: Allow your PDAer to pick items themselves or create homemade gifts to maintain control and be more likely to feel excited about giving a gift to a relative.
Avoid pressure: Let them give gifts in their own way or even skip it if that reduces stress.
Present Opening: For some PDAers opening presents in front of others can feel overwhelming particularly because they feel the demand to respond (in a socially appropriate way) to the giver. Reducing the number of people around at present opening may feel more tolerable for some PDAers. If you are at a relative’s house, you may forewarn them that presents may be opened you’re your child is back at home.

Tips for Extended Family and Friends

It can be difficult for extended family and friends to understand why your PDAer may not be looking like they are excited to see family members or participate in Christmas gatherings. You might find it helpful to email them beforehand to elicit understanding on their part (example below that you can change up if you are visiting others).

Email Example:

Hi everyone,

We’re really looking forward to celebrating Christmas together! We wanted to share a few tips to help make the day enjoyable for [Child’s Name], who has a Pathological Demand Avoidant (PDA) profile. Christmas can feel overwhelming for them due to lots of expectations, social interaction, and sensory stimulation, so a few simple adjustments make a big difference:

Tips for the day:

Remove greeting pressure: Some PDAers find saying hello, Merry Christmas or hugging difficult. You can just say ‘Merry Christmas everyone’ or casually, ‘Great to see you [Child’s Name] - without expecting a reply.
Bring their favourite food (e.g.,…)
Reduce questions unless around [Child’s Name’s] particular interests.
Offer choice: Let [Child’s Name] decide if and when they want to join activities.
Avoid direct demands: Gentle, playful invitations work best.
Respect quiet time: It’s okay if they take breaks or step away from busy areas.
Flexible traditions are okay: They might want to do things differently or skip some activities.
Focus on connection: Enjoy shared moments around their interests (e.g.,….) rather than insisting on “participation.”

Thank you so much for helping us make Christmas a calm and happy day for everyone. Your patience and flexibility mean a lot to our family.

Warmly,
[Parent’s Name]

Final Thoughts…

Be Kind to yourself

Christmas can be a challenging time for families of a PDAer and it can be helpful as parents to practice self-compassion where possible.

You don’t need to create a “perfect” day, some Christmas days will be calmer, others messier, and that’s okay. It’s fine to say no to invitations, adjust plans, or skip certain traditions if it helps reduce stress for your family.

Focusing on connection, small wins, and enjoying moments as they come is far more valuable than trying to meet everyone’s expectations.

Try to minimise comparing your Christmas day to what others are doing (maybe give social media a wide berth for a day or two!), give yourself permission to let go of perfection, take breaks when needed, and celebrate the small moments of joy that arise for your child and family. Oh, and do something special for yourself, you deserve it!