Is someone trying too hard? Or are they just ‘trying’?

I recently attended an event that had me pondering on the concept of being “cringe”.

When I entered the room, I immediately felt that I was likely surrounded by my neurokin. I know you must not judge, or diagnose someone by their appearance, and that every neurodivergent person looks and presents differently. But something told me I was in the room with a bunch of other cool Autistic people.

This particular collection of humans brought together some seriously meticulously designed ‘vibes’. I’m talking furry ears clipped into multicoloured hair, chains layered on chains, corsets, bold make-up, accessories, comfy cozies, fancy hats, DIY pieces and customised accessibility aids. These expressions of identity seemed to have been curated over time to represent someone feeling their absolute best, or perhaps someone still in the exciting phase of trying new styles to see what feels right.

I saw confident diversity, and my shoulders relaxed as I took a breath out - I wouldn’t have to mask so heavily tonight, I wouldn’t need to read the room with my usual amount of intensity.

And then I saw another group of people, noticeably glancing sideways at those with ‘louder’ appearances, mannerisms, individuality, and making hushed comments to one another.

Their eye glances alone were louder than the pounding music (best I put my ear defenders on if I want to last through the night, I thought, scanning the room again to see that I wasn’t the only one, I really loved that).

The event involved performance, mainly people new to their craft, stepping out on stage with an enviable level of confidence - into a spotlight that would have me feeling like my skeleton had been temporarily replaced with jelly. I could feel my cheeks aching, I realised I was grinning, proud of complete strangers for taking on an opportunity that many people would shy away from.

I watched these beings take turns to show their skill, my mind was rolling around the thoughts of how long it must have taken to stitch that shirt, how much excitement (and maybe nerves) had been building for them leading up to this, how many hours they had practiced and strengthened their skills in order to get up onto that sta-“CRINGE”...

…the coughed word rolled out into the room like an unwelcome hallway carpet leading straight to a nauseating state of discomfort.

I felt angry, I searched the stage, trying to determine where the comment was hastily thrown, I couldn’t see where it was aimed to land.

And then, confusingly, I felt shame, like I was thrown back into the countless times where I made myself smaller, quieter, less ‘me’ in order to avoid being ‘cringe’, often not even knowing what I had done to earn the painful badge of judgement.

What is ‘cringe’?

I’m not really digging into its dictionary definition (Referring to a feeling of acute embarrassment or awkwardness). I’m talking about the societal concept, the way that word has evolved into a weapon, slashed against anyone deemed ‘uncool’.

When I think about the way we use the term ‘cringe’, particularly across social media, I find myself seeing it linked to people who have built their own identity without the input of social ’norms’ and pressures. I see it thrown against someone trying something new, and not yet being a master of their new hobby. I see it drowning and smothering people who have developed a passion for something……’uncool’.

““Cringe culture”: An internet phenomenon where certain fandoms, hobbies, or over-enthusiastic behaviours are mocked or criticised for being “trying too hard””

— Wikipedia

Is someone trying too hard? Or are they just ‘trying’?

Or having a good time? Building a skill? Expressing themself? Making a friend?

Is it just someone existing in a way that is unique, in a way that you wouldn’t exist yourself?

Are they living outside of the boundaries of agreed upon trends and instead they have chosen to wear what they want to wear, dance how they want to dance, stim in a way that makes them happy, utilise accommodations that make them comfortable - have you decided that they are doing so with too much confidence?

Has someone dared to be different, and find comfort in who they are?
Are they making choices you may be too scared or nervous to make?

Consider if someone is being ‘cringe’, or if perhaps, they are just ‘being’.

I’d like to wrap up with the note that the coughed comment was addressed, it was condemned, and the rest of the room lifted their energy to meet the performer where they were,
in their element,
in the spotlight.