8 Practical Tips for Co-Parenting a PDA Child: A Two-Home Approach

Parenting a child with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile comes with unique challenges, and those challenges can feel even more complex when parenting happens across two households.

Living between homes after a separation can bring added unpredictability, perceived pressure, and loss of control, all elements that can significantly impact a child with a PDA profile. But with understanding of your child’s profile, collaboration (when safe and possible), and flexibility, it is possible to create transitions that feel safe, supportive, and centred on the child’s needs.

Our goal isn’t to trick or manipulate the child into transitioning, it’s to support them in a way that feels authentic, respectful, fun, and safe for their nervous system

1. Minimise Demands Around Transitions

PDAers often experience intense anxiety in response to direct demands and transitions between houses can easily feel like intense pressure. Try to frame transitions in a way that feels open, not forced.
Instead of: “It’s time to go to Mum’s now!”
Try: “Your bag’s ready whenever you feel okay to head off” or “Dad mentioned he’s looking forward to watching the Minecraft movie with you when you get to his.”
Where possible, avoid time pressures. If the child is older, offering declarative transitional choices (e.g., “We can leave after snack or after your show finishes”) may help.

2. Use Collaborative or Playful Language

Sometimes it helps to sidestep the transition altogether with humour or indirect language. For example:
“I wonder if teddy wants to visit Dad today”
“Should we let your socks decide what to pack?”
This might sound silly, but for a PDA child, it can reduce the sense of control being taken from them and invite them to engage on their own terms.

3. Create a Predictable and Personalised Transition Plan

PDA children thrive on a sense of autonomy and knowing what’s coming. While PDAers often cannot tolerate a visual schedule, there nervous system can feel more regulated when they know what is happening.  A visual calendar, transition story, or simple checklist that is ‘strewed’ somewhere they are likely to see it, and that the parent can refer to aloud for themselves or the siblings may be tolerable and helpful. Consider:
- A consistent routine on transition days (same breakfast, same route, same sensory tools)
- A packing ritual where the child can choose familiar items to take
- A transition object (a photo, toy, weighted blanket, iPad, pet) that travels with the child between homes

4. Respect Autonomy and Build in Choice

Even small decisions can restore a sense of control. Ask things like:

  • “You can carry your backpack, or I can carry it for you.”

  • “You can say goodbye at the door or from inside, whichever feels better.”

  • “You’re welcome to bring your charger, or you can leave one at each house.”

5. Plan for Regulation (Not Behaviour)

Transitions are nervous system events. A PDA child may mask their stress until they’re safely in the new space and then collapse. Don’t interpret shutdowns, refusals, or meltdowns as misbehaviour. Build in space for:

  • Downtime upon arrival (no immediate demands, keep tone calm and casual, minimise questions)

  • Sensory regulation tools (weighted blanket, headphones, snacks, SpIns)

  • Comfort items, favourite snack or rituals that signal safety

6. Collaborate Across Households When Possible

We know this isn’t always easy, especially if the separation was high conflict but where safe and feasible, co-parents could try to aim for similar language, expectations, and values. Even small things like bedtime scripts, food routines, or shared language around emotional regulation can help reduce cognitive load for the child.

If parents are not able to communicate, it could be that a trusted PDA-informed health professional supports each parent to understand the child’s profile and support needs and creates a collaborative parenting document.

When co-parenting isn’t collaborative, it’s still possible to create one house that’s a safe base and that matters enormously.

7. Validate Their Experience

Transitions are big. Unpredictability is hard. Feeling powerless is scary. Whether the child is vocal, upset, or shuts down completely, they need to feel seen. You might say:
- “Changing houses can feel really hard sometimes.”
- “You’re allowed to feel grumpy or sad or overwhelmed when things change.”
- “It’s okay to need extra time to settle in.”

You can also use appropriate self-disclosure if the child cannot tolerate you talking about how they are feeling. Do this in a casual way when the child’s nervous system is regulated. For example, “I struggle with change. I remember when I moved to my new job, that was hard and took me time to get used to it.”

8. Be Flexible When the Child Doesn’t Have Capacity for the Transition

There will be times when, despite all preparation and support, the child simply doesn’t have the internal capacity to manage a transition. This isn’t defiance, it’s a sign their nervous system is overwhelmed. It may be that they’ve used a lot of their energy that week on attending school or attending a family gathering. They may not have had enough downtime to recharge. When this happens, flexibility is key. If possible, delay the transition, adjust expectations, or offer an alternative (e.g. a shorter visit, a video call, or staying in the current home longer).

Honouring a child’s capacity in the moment builds trust and models emotional attunement - both of which are essential for long-term regulation and connection. However, this flexibility isn’t always possible. Parenting orders, inflexible arrangements, or a co-parent who doesn’t yet understand the child’s PDA profile can make following the child’s needs difficult. In some cases, forcing a transition may meet legal requirements, but it risks damaging the child’s sense of safety, impacting their mental health, and undermining the relationship over time.

When flexibility isn’t an option, here are some tips to work with the situation as compassionately as possible:

  • Focus on Regulation First, Not Compliance
    Prioritise calming the nervous system before expecting the child to engage with the transition. This might look like reducing verbal interaction, offering sensory supports, or giving space, silence and SpIn.

  • Use Non-Confrontational, Low-Demand Language
    Even when you need to follow through with the transition, avoid phrasing that escalates pressure. Use gentle, collaborative language like:
    “I know this isn’t what you want right now. I’ll stay close while we get ready.”

  • Plan for Recovery
    Expect that your child may experience a stress response after the transition. Plan for downtime, comfort, and zero expectations after arrival at the other home.

  • Keep a Log of Patterns and Responses
    Document how your child responds to transitions over time. Perhaps there are certain days where this is more difficult (e.g., following a full week of school attendance or a particular activity). This record can help professionals support you and may be useful in the future if court orders are revisited.

  • Educate and Engage the Other Parent (if safe to do so)
    Where possible, share resources or invite the other parent to be part of a professional session that explains PDA and the impact of high-pressure transitions. Sometimes hearing from a third party can shift perspectives more than co-parent conversations alone.

  • Reassure the Child You Believe Them
    Even if you can’t change the situation in the moment, let your child know their experience matters. Say things like:
    “I can see how hard this is for you.”
    “You don’t have to pretend to be okay.”
    “I’ll keep working on ways to make this feel better.”

  • Support the Child After an Unwanted Transition
    When a child returns from a transition that they didn’t feel ready for, especially one that was forced or emotionally distressing, they may be dysregulated, shut down, or withdrawn (think restraint and masking at one house and then collapse upon returning to the other). Resist the urge to ask questions or require verbal interaction. Instead, focus on reconnection without demand: offer their favourite food, engage in parallel play, or simply be present. Let them lead. You might say:
    “I’m really glad to see you. I’m happy to look at that new game when you’re ready.”

Over time, creating a consistent and predictable return routine can help the child feel safe and re-regulated after a challenging experience.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a PDA child across two homes means letting go of a perfect plan and focusing instead on relationships, flexibility, and nervous system safety. When we reduce pressure, offer autonomy, and respond with compassion, we’re not just managing transitions, we’re building relational safety and long-term trust. Listening to the PDAer, supporting them in the way they need, and being flexible where you can, is more likely to result in a healthy parent-child relationship with each parent as they move into adolescence and adulthood.

If you’d like support in developing a tailored transition plan or working through co-parenting challenges with a PDA lens, our team at The Kidd Clinic is here to help.

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